someone get that fucking seahorse.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
