moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
