I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Terrible idea I love it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
