This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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