I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize