my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
