If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
