I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you have to choose: penises or morals?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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