He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I want a musical about memes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
