Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
