My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
