I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
