i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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