My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
