Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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