I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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