getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
