Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
