so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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