i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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