My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
