you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
