God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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