id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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