my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
