I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He shit in the fireplace
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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