I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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