i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
