My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
