so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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