3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
