I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
