Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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