i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
