Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
