I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Fuck appropriateness.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize