I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you're hired as official boob wrangler
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
