I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
