What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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