Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
