The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
