You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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