Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
