You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
