dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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