something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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