You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't deserve a penis
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
