i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
