i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
