I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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