Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
