It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
