That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
