people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
