Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize