Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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