I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
