I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
