I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
