Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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