Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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