so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Vodka?
Forever.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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