hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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