I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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