I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
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