How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
