Don't you send me to vm
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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