Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
