oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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