Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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