I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize