My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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