True but thats because hes a fetus.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
